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Healthy Eating Paradox

As much as I love my self-imposed, five-day-a-week creative writing assignment, I’ve decided to take a few days off. Enjoy this post from August 29, 2008, while you all rest and recover from Black Friday.

Quick show of hands: how many people out there enjoy the “Jay-walking” segments on The Tonight Show? If you’re not familiar with it, this is where Jay Leno hits the streets with a microphone and asks average people simple questions. For example, “In what year did the Battle of Beroia result in the disappearance of the Pechenegs as an independent force?” The poor interviewee invariably replies with something really stupid, like 1124, when everybody knows it was 1122.

All right, I’m kidding. Usually it’s more along the lines of, “Who was the first president?” which typically fetches a response of, “Abraham Lincoln?” (Hey, could be worse. At least they picked an actual president.)

I imagine if Jay asked people, “Which fast food restaurant would be the better choice for a dieter, McDonald’s or Subway?” most of his victims would reply, “Abraham Lincoln?” Okay … most of them would definitely say “Subway” and ironically, they’d be just as wrong as those who picked Lincoln.

Wait a minute, Charlie … did you say that right? Subway is the wrong answer for the dieter? You’re crazy. Jarad lost eight thousand pounds at Subway. They have forty-seven sandwiches with forty-seven or fewer calories. They sell cookies, that when broken apart, actually have negative calories. I went to a Subway one day, ordered lunch, and actually left two pant sizes smaller. You can’t mean that, Charlie.

Well, according to a study published in the Journal of Consumer Research last October, people ate on average 131% more calories when they thought they were eating healthful alternatives. Ironically, this was on top of the fact that the “healthy” meal already had 50% more calories than the “unhealthy” meal. What does this mean? It means we’re stupid, that’s what.

My advice to everyone (including myself) is simple: use your head. Just because something is “healthy” doesn’t mean it’s free. Pigging out on healthy entrees in a restaurant is no different from eating an entire box of fat free cookies or chowing down a ginormous bucket of fried chicken just because it was cooked in oils containing zero grams of trans fats. Don’t fall for it … or you just might end up on Jay Leno one day.

Diet Soda Bad News

As much as I love my self-imposed, five-day-a-week creative writing assignment, I’ve decided to take a few days off. While you’re all tripping out on tryptophan today, I give you this post from Thursday, October 2, 2008. Happy Thanksgiving to my US readers. Have an extra slice of that pumpkin cake for me!

About nineteen years ago I finally decided to deal with the empty calories being delivered into my body regularly in sixteen ounces doses. (Of course, back then I called it “pop” since I lived in the Midwest. But a drink by any other name would taste as sweet.)

It seemed like a good plan, but with one small problem: artificial sweeteners. If I’m allowed to quote a story about one man’s first experience with saccharine:

My first introduction to diet sodas happened a few years earlier, when I dropped a quarter into a vending machine, pressed the COKE button, and a pink can of something called TAB rolled out. I had no idea what it was (and it certainly wasn’t what I wanted) but it was a hot summer day, and I was thirsty. I popped the top, took a swig, and immediately spit it out. I couldn’t imagine what sort of people thought kerosene was a reasonable substitute for a cold beverage.

That was when I was a kid. By the time I was twenty-three, things hadn’t improved much. I still hated the taste. Of course, any right minded person would just give them up altogether, but no, I just had to drink this crap, so I kept at it and kept at it until eventually I liked it.

diet-coke-with-baconFast forward to last year when the news broke, “Hear ye, hear ye! Diet Sodas Make You Fat!” What?! What the bleep are you talking about? Diet sodas are good. Diet sodas broke my empty calorie habit. It took years and years of training to finally like them—then this? You’ve got to be kidding me.

Well, here’s what happened. Apparently they put a box full of rats on a diet of saccharin and another box of rats on a diet of Super Sugar Crisp, and wouldn’t you know it, the low-calorie rats gained weight. The sugar-laden rats died, but at least they weren’t fat.

So here we go, yet another flipping paradox delivered to us from on high, just to further muddy the already turbulent waters of the diet world. Thanks. The idea (and I’ve talked about this once or twice in other posts, but I’m too lazy to look them up) is that the body tastes “sweet” but doesn’t get the actual calories it expects to receive with that taste. So it decides to make up for it by forcing you back to the kitchen a half hour later for a bowl of sugary cereal. Ergo, it’s not the artificial sweeteners, per se, causing the weight gain, but subsequent behavior down the road based on the body not getting what it was promised.

Does that mean you should quit drinking diet sodas right now? Not exactly. First, this article does a pretty good job of explaining the rat thing. Second, like all studies, they’re just talking general odds. Your mileage may (and probably will) vary. Lastly, you know yourself best. Do you eat more because you drink sodas? If so, stop it. If not, don’t worry about it.

Me, I’ll keep on drinking them. Not because they’re good (or bad) for me, but because I like them and they make me happy.

Music These Days

As much as I love my self-imposed, five-day-a-week creative writing assignment, I’ve decided to take a few days off. That’s right. I’m airing Back to the Fridge re-runs. Today’s post originally appeared on Wednesday, September 24, 2008.

Oh, and I have two reminders for tomorrow: 1) Watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. My daughter is marching in it this year. She’ll be the one carrying a flag. And 2) Don’t forget to try my Pumpkin Cake if you haven’t already.

I seem to recall some decades ago my dad complaining about the modern music scene. I mean, all parents do that, right? It’s laser-etched into their DNA. They wouldn’t be card-carrying parents if they actually liked the same music as their children.

“It all sounds the same! There’s no variety! There’s no real musical value in it.” In short, “It’s nowhere near as good as the music I listened to when I was growing up.” If you think I’m quoting my dad, you’d be wrong. Those lines were found on a 4,000 year old copper scroll dug up in the Alps about forty years ago. (Ironically, though, my dad said something quite similar.)

That’s because we’re genetically programmed to believe that whatever happened to us between the ages of twelve and nineteen are the greatest things that ever happened. Nothing before and nothing since will compare to what hit us in those formative years. I understand that and so I truly believe that my music was better than my dad’s, and his was better than my grandfather’s, and so on back to the bronze age.

Except for today’s music of course! Have you listened to it? It all sounds the same! There’s no variety! I swear, kids these days don’t know what good music sounds like. They wouldn’t know a good tune if it came up and bit them on their iPods.

Okay, I’m kidding. Sort of. I’m unlike my dad because I actually do like some of today’s pop music. I will readily admit that during my daily commute, from the privacy of my car with its tightly rolled-up windows, I’ve let my fellow drivers know in no uncertain terms that I ain’t no Hollaback Girl. They also know that they can look (but they can’t touch) My Humps. I even believe I’ve invited them to Crank dat Soulja Boy — even if I have no idea what that is.

But I’m also like him in that I wonder: where’s the good music? And by that I mean the truly and musically good music. Sure, there was a lot of crap during the 70s, 80s, and 90s. (And that’s essentially the stuff he was complaining about.) But I also know of songs that never made it within ten megahertz of Casey Kasem’s charts. While we endured Donna Summer, at least Sweet was there with the eight-minute version of Love is Like Oxygen. I can understand not finding much merit in Funkytown but what about Funeral for a Friend / Love Lies Bleeding? Where is today’s Stairway to Heaven, or Bohemian Rhapsody, or Yes’ fifteen-minute epic masterpiece Awaken?

I’m not saying there aren’t catchy tunes out there, but where are the songs we’ll be listening to in thirty years, still pouring out over the airwaves as we step out of our Deloreans into the clocktower square? They’re either not out there or they are, but just not reaching these aging ears of mine.

madonnaI will say one thing, though, about today’s charts. Check out Madonna. She’s fifty and she’s still got it. I’m pretty sure there weren’t any edgy, pop, female singers on Casey’s show in 1978 who were born in 1928. Love her or hate her, you have to admit, she’s doing something right.

Now, where’s my copy of Going for the One? I’m going to mail it to Ryan Seacrest and make sure he understands what a good album is supposed to sound like. Oh, there it is. I left it right next to my hearing aids.

Health Food Find

Some of you are reading my blog because of this very post. It was my November 6, 2008 guest spot at mizfitonline.com. For those of you who haven’t seen it, I thought it was worth running here too.

I’ve recently discovered a new health food and I just need to share this find with others. In fact, I’m so thrilled by this news that I’m wasting no time adding it to my daily regimen.

Check this out: it contains no fat and no cholesterol. It’s low in sodium. It is chock full of antioxidants. It can increase HDL levels in the bloodstream. It can reduce blood clots. It sports healthy doses of vitamins B, B2, and B6 as well as protein, calcium, and potassium. It can reduce your chances of strokes and heart disease. It can improve sleep. And best of all, it’s made with all natural ingredients.

So what miracle food am I talking about? Why deep fat fried Twinkies, of course. Recent studies have demonstrated that eating three of these with every meal provides health benefits previously only associated with fresh fruits and vegetables. In fact, it was also shown that … er, hold on. I’ve got a phone call. Yes, this is he… Yeah… Yes, the Twinkies; I was just telling them about it now–all about the … What? … They’re not? But… Yeah… But… Really? Are you sure…? Okay, bye.

I’m sorry, slight mix up here folks. I apparently shuffled my notes and inadvertently quoted an item from an article entitled, “Ten Foods That Will Kill You in Seven Days or Less.” Please don’t eat fried Twinkies. Ever.

Actually, the aforementioned miracle food is … ready for it? Beer. No joke this time, people: it really is beer. Now go re-read that second paragraph and meet me back here. Whatcha think? Pretty cool, huh?

The recommend prescription is one per day for women and up to two for men. This means, just like the oft-cited “chocolate is good for you” and “red wine is good for you” discoveries, having three of these with every meal isn’t the way to go. Despite the health benefits, it still contains calories and alcohol (gee, really?) and those two come with their own set of adverse side effects. Still, in moderation, this sounds like a great deal overall.

So have one or two, and tell ‘em Charlie sent you. And don’t overlook the best benefit of all. It makes other people look prettier.

Well Whaddaya Know

Everyone loves a good twist ending, don’t they? I mean, it has to be one of the greatest literary devices there is. Lead the audience along one obvious path for as long as possible, then—wham!—pull a one-eighty on them. They never saw it coming, did they?

As my week slowly passed by, I was pretty sure I knew how it was going to end. I watched the numbers: 207, 207.5, 207, …. As sure as the movie Titanic was headed for a watery ending, I was positive things wouldn’t improve this week. And as the last week before (dare I say it) Thanksgiving, I was really hoping for an uptick to get me through the week that’s guaranteed to be a disaster.

Day 119
Starting Weight 224.0
Current Weight 204.5
Change from Last Week -1.5
Lost So Far 19.5
Pounds To Go 5.5

But in a twist M. Night Shyamalan himself would be proud of (and after spending nearly an entire week above 206) I actually hit 204.5 on weigh in day. Nothing bad happened Saturday, food-wise, and I guess it showed. So even though I hit 204.5 eight days ago, this one is official. And it is the lowest point in the current diet. Which is good, because I’m gonna need all the help I can get.

On that note, hope everyone has a great turkey week!