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I’d Love It More If

February 27th, 2009

I went to McDonald’s again. It’s no secret that I’m completely without shame when it comes to this restaurant. Yes, I actually enjoy McFood. So I thought I’d share three McStories with you today.

McStory #1

This most recent trip happened to be for breakfast. One of my favorites, actually: Sausage McMuffin, “hashbrowns”, and a Diet Coke. Now that’s good eatin’.

The “hashbrowns” are good, but I simply can’t bring myself to actually call them hashbrowns. Now, I don’t have a specific definition for real hashbrowns. All I do know is that you can’t pick up real hashbrowns and eat them like a candy bar.

McDonald’s serves both Egg McMuffins and Sausage McMuffins. I thought the entire idea between having two is that one has egg and the other doesn’t. Yet invariably, when I pull up to the drive-through and ask for a Sausage McMuffin, they ask, “Do you want an egg on that?” “No I don’t want an egg on that. If I wanted a dang egg on my muffin, I’d've ordered the Egg McMuffin.” (Many years passed before I realized that they indeed are different items: even when they both have eggs. Still, the whole idea perturbed me.)

Anyway, my Sausage McMuffin was good. But I’d love it more if it weren’t burnt around the edges. It was a great disappointment after looking forward to it after so many miles of driving. (And, of course, you’re many miles away before you realize the McMuffin is burnt. Joe Pesci was right.)

McStory #2

Many years ago, I was sent to Europe a couple of times on business trips. One stop was in Paris. Another stop was in Vienna. And you know what I did in both cities? (”You went to McDonald’s?”) Damn straight I went to McDonald’s. After several days of fancy, high-falutin’, business meals, this poor boy just wanted a Big Mac.

“Bienvenue au McDonald’s. Puis-je prendre votre commande?” “Uh, yeah, I’d like a Big Mac. Um… a large fries. And … holy crap is that BEER on the menu? Give me a freakin’ beer with my Big Mac and fries! … Um, I mean … donnez-moi un freakin bier, s’il vous plait.”

I’d love it more if they did that here. And why not? It worked in Paris. It worked in Vienna. It probably works in every other country on the planet. Why not the good ol’ U. S. of A.?

McStory #3

Many years ago, but not as many as the Eurotrip, my then-four year old daughter and I were driving around town. She used to love to point out the window at various landmarks she recognized. One time, in a different part of town, she saw those famous golden arches and proudly exclaimed, “McDonald’s! We’ve been there!” This wasn’t technically true and I had to reply, “Actually, no, we haven’t been to that one. We’ve only been to the one over by our house.” Wide-eyed, she looked at me and asked in utter disbelief, “You mean there’s TWO?!”

I’d love it more if they could stay that young and innocent just a little bit longer than they do.

Posted in Pizza Night | 17 Comments »

Scary Stuff

February 26th, 2009

My friend Stephanie and I have struggled with weighty issues for nigh on two decades now. While we both still have our dietary vices, she got one problem licked but good: she gave up beer and pizza. “Wow!” you exclaim. “That’s impressive!” you shout in near disbelief. “So how did she do it?” you ask. Was it amazing willpower? Perhaps the desire to lose weight finally beat out the desire to be happy? No. Nothing so high and noble. Instead, she was diagnosed with a pesky little gluten intolerance problem. In short, she could keep eating the pizza and drinking the beer as long as she didn’t mind slowly killing herself from the inside out.

Fear is a great motivator. The great motivator as some would put it. True, people are driven by positive forces and strong desires, but nowhere near the way they are when things get scary. When it comes down to, say, wanting to buy some concert tickets vs. not wanting to stay in that burning building, guess which one wins?

Natural forces aside, scaring is also something people like to do to other people. We, as a species, make scary movies, scary amusement park rides, and tax laws. While sometimes the end goal is to just have fun, in a way all of it boils down to control. If people are motivated by fear, and you have the ability to scare them, then by the law of transitivity, you can control people.

So what’s this got to do with food? Um … I can’t remember. I had a point when I started this thing, then I began to ramble.

Oh, I remember. I just read yet another article about “scary stuff” at the grocery store. You’ve seen them. “Don’t buy anything with benzopropylalanonic acid in it, because there was this one study on two rats where one was given this stuff and the other wasn’t, and the rat who took it died four hours before the other rat.” I’m fairly certain the authors of these articles really are trying to help when they give out dire, dire warnings about all the poisons polluting absolutely every dang thing that we eat, but after a while it all just turns into noise.

You see, I have this theory that if you combined every dietary warning ever invented, you might actually discover that we shouldn’t put anything into our bodies that isn’t water. Worse, that water must come from a very specific, very approved source, and be one hundred percent free of contaminants and taste. And cost five bucks a bottle.

My advice to you, then, is to just try to keep a level head. Most of us agree that anything (good or bad) in moderation probably isn’t life-threatening. I’m sure we also agree that anything (good or bad) in extreme excess probably isn’t intelligent either. If you happen to accidentally ingest a quarter gram of some trans fats, I don’t think your pancreas will explode within thirty seconds. If you accidentally ingest forty-eight hot dogs in a competitive eating event, you’ll live; but seriously, don’t ever do that again.

But if you do, then I’ve got a great article on nitrates you should read. I swear it’ll scare the beer and pizza right out of you.

Hey you! Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you. Is this the first time you’ve read my blog? Are you here day in and day out? Do you like what you see? Well then tell someone about it! Your sister might need a laugh today. And wasn’t your cousin just saying something about how she needs some good, humorous and yet worthless dieting advice? Or maybe you need an ice-breaker to hook up with that long lost friend from high school! Send them an email. Or, even better, talk about me on your blog. This public service announcement has been brought to you by a blogger desperate for more readership.


Posted in No Help Here | 20 Comments »

Fifteen Things

February 25th, 2009

Last week, I added five more things to my list of “25 Random Things About Me.” I’m actually enjoying this more than I thought I would, so let’s just try five more. Here, then, is The Third Set of Five Odd Facts and Figures You May or May Not Already Know About Me.

11. I don’t really like to travel. If others’ didn’t force me into it, I doubt I’d ever go anywhere. From the moment I leave on a trip, I begin the mental countdown to when I get to go home. Yes. I am abnormal. It’s similar to the way I don’t like Fridays because they do nothing more than remind me that another week has come and gone forever and I still haven’t made any serious progress on my big goals.

12. I spend a fair amount of time in the car going to and from work. I spend most of this time listening to NPR. I like NPR because they report a lot of news. It’s the exact opposite of those inane “morning shows” you see on the major networks. I do not like those shows AM. I do not like them, Sam I am.

13. I’m looking for a “writing buddy.” I have not found anyone yet. I don’t think I will.

14. I don’t understand coffee. I don’t understand why (most) people are so addicted to coffee. I don’t understand why so many people spend so much time, money, and effort on coffee. It’s just a bunch of dirty, smelly beans that have been cooked, ground up, and had hot water poured through them. Please don’t leave a comment below telling me how you “can’t start your day” without this substance. You need to get addicted to something better for you, like beer.

15. I like beer. Many people don’t understand why a lot of people like beer. It’s just a bunch of dirty, bitter plant-things that have been cooked and fermented. I can’t explain it. All I know is that I can’t start my day without it.

15b. I’m kidding about the beer. I only very rarely have it for breakfast.

We’re 60% done, folks! What could the last 40% possibly have in store for us?! I have no idea. I’m making this up as I go along. I’m surprised I’ve gotten this far already. Please leave a comment below. I will randomly select one winner, look up into the night sky, and name a star after him or her.

Posted in Leftovers | 29 Comments »

Chinese Food

February 24th, 2009

Welcome to Part 3 of a Four Part Series entitled, “The Four Food Groups.” Last week we covered one of my long-time favorites, the Mexican Food group. This week, it’s Chinese Food. (The astute Back to the Fridge reader knows that a disclaimer is imminent: I have never been to China or eaten any truly, authentic Chinese food. My guess is I don’t want to. So I’m talking about what Americans call “Chinese Food” and not what the Chinese call “food”.)

I was a picky eater growing up. My mom raised me on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and I wasn’t complaining. Well, except for that one time I decided to put pepper on one, and I didn’t like that at all. Then there was that other time I complained about “fluffernutters.” This was a horribly disgusting blend of peanut butter and marshmallow Fluff on white bread. I don’t know why it was invented, or worse, why it was fed to innocent children. This “food” was provided by the neighbors who watched us kids after school. I used to try to get their Dobermans to eat my sandwiches. It never worked.

I’m still a picky eater today, but my tastes have definitely branched out. For example, my new favorite sandwich is peanut butter and banana. Believe it or not, I’ve had one of those each day for the last three days. They’re incredible! I can’t believe I never thought I’d like them. Perhaps the fluffernutter turned me off to any non-standard PB&J sandwich. Fortunately I came to my senses.

Now … what was I talking about again? Oh yeah! Chinese food. The year after I graduated college I moved to Des Moines, a city known for its insurance industry and the fact that it has 2.4 Chinese restaurants per capita. Clearly, if I were to live in this town for any given period of time, I was going to have to learn to like this food.

So one day, after agreeing to meet a friend at a Chinese restaurant, I realized I was about to make a very big leap. I was going to have to eat food with color and taste. Worse, it was very likely to contain vegetables: a toxic substance as near as I could tell at the time. After scanning the menu to find the shallow-end equivalent of Chinese food, I settled on Kung Pao chicken. Once my order was placed, I nervously awaited the dish. My fears were quite founded when it came with “things” in it: carrots, broccoli, and several completely unidentifiable vegetable-like substances.

But then I tasted it. Oh boy! This was GOOD. Holy cow, I had no idea. The rest of the lunch went something like this: nom, nom, nom. I ate it all. Even the bits I couldn’t name.

Today, as you can see, I have elevated Chinese food to one of my four major food groups. I’m still a picky eater, of course, and there are still plenty of items I have not attempted—nor will I ever attempt. To be honest, I’m perfectly content with the 18.4% of the menu I adore.

Besides, it’s not as if I actually need more food to like. Watching what I eat is hard enough without piling on additional vices.

Tune in next week for the fourth and final food group. Anyone care to take any guesses!?

Posted in You Know What Sounds Good Right Now? | 20 Comments »

So Close Yet So Far

February 23rd, 2009

About two days ago I was absolutely convinced the title of today’s post was going to be, “I give up!” The week was not going well at all. And I’d love to say it’s because I’d fallen off the wagon and was eating like crazy. But for Three Thousand Calorie Tuesday, it was actually a very good week calorie-wise.

So on Friday, when I weighed the same as Sunday (and remembered how badly the first couple days of the week went) this was my projection for this week’s chart:

Amazingly enough, however, it didn’t turn out that way at all. I still haven’t cracked Onderland, but I do get to start this week closer than ever.

Like last week I’ve overlaid multiple weeks on the same chart, just to highlight what a bonkery period this has been. The green storm clouds represent that “above 202.5″ range I don’t ever want to see again. I exceeded my previous recent high point and completely broke out of the purple block I’ve been stuck in for weeks now. Sure, I wanted to break out of that block, but through the floor—not the dang ceiling.

But somehow or another between Wednesday and Saturday I dropped three pounds. I thought to myself Saturday morning, “Okay, Charlie, you’re at 200.5 and you have one more full day before weigh in. Here’s a helpful hint: don’t blow it, you dolt.”

And by mid-afternoon things were looking good. I thought I might actually pull this off. I thought about what it would be like to write this blog post and triumphantly announce my first-ever 199.5 weigh in.

Then the cookies happened.

I don’t understand it. I need to have tattooed on my forehead. Not once in my entire adult life have I ever followed a massive dose of cookies with the thought, “Gee, I feel wonderful now! I’m so freakin’ glad I did that…”

This episode brought me to about 2,100 calories for the day, so I did what any level headed dieter would do: I quit eating. That was it. I hit my limit and didn’t eat another thing all day. This is NOT a recommended dieting method. Anyone looking to me for inspiration must temporarily avert their eyes.

Day 210
Starting Weight 224.0
Current Weight 200.5
Change from Last Week -2.0
Lost So Far 23.5
Pounds To Go 1.5

Ah well, I’ve done worse, I suppose. I’ll call it water under the bridge and move on. The important thing is that I’m finally starting the week at 200.5. So unless I’m sneak-attacked by three Family Size boxes of Cheez-Its mid-week, I should be okay.

Why I’d say, odds are by this time next week, I’ll have my first foot in Onederland.

Posted in Return to Onederland | 17 Comments »

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