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World Cheese Tour, Part 2

March 31st, 2009

For some reason (which is currently unclear to me) I graduated with a minor in psychology. The only thing I can currently think of is that I figured it would help me write a couple blog posts some twenty years in the future.

In one class I studied something called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. If you haven’t heard of it, let me ’splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Maslow divided human needs into a pyramid, with basic needs at the bottom and “higher order” needs at the top. People are never concerned with fulfilling higher order needs unless all the needs below were fulfilled. A real life example of this happened while I was still in college. Three other guys and I were driving somewhere, presumably to a party of sorts. One guy was waxing poetic about the potential babes that might be in attendance. Another guy echoed these sentiments. A third guy said, “Forget that. Stop the car. I gotta pee NOW.” See? Lower order needs do trump higher order needs.

The pyramid made sense, but the more I studied it, the more I realized something major was missing. Here then, I present, Charlie’s Modified Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs:

Now that the importance of cheese has been established beyond all argument, let’s move on to the second part of our World Cheese Tour:

This is Limburger cheese. Most of us (at least Americans) only know Limburger cheese as the horribly smelly cheese from Tom and Jerry cartoons or old Little Rascal’s episodes. I have never actually seen it in real life and to my knowledge don’t know anyone who has. I suppose someday I might try some, just to satisfy a lifelong curiosity. But you go first.

Next is Cheez Whiz. For the health conscious, you will be happy to know that this stuff is made from 100% real Cheez. No substitutes. If you’ve never tried it, then I can only conclude you you’re a high class person and I’d like to make your acquaintance. Being the low-class slob I am, I love this stuff. Especially straight from the can.

Ahhh… chips and queso. This is the first Group Cheese on our tour and another one of my favorites. No dinner outing is complete without three bowls of it plus eighteen complimentary baskets of tortilla chips. If a friend shows up and asks if he or she can also partake, Judith Martin will tell you the correct reply is, “Mi queso es su queso.”

I’ve had Cheetos all my life but to be honest I never really thought much of them. Then, perhaps two months ago, I saw a bag in the vending machine and something (not this woman) compelled me to buy them. Wow! They’re good. Then I tried the jalapeno flavored ones. Double wow! Highly recommended, folks.

The final cheese on this tour is the Almighty Cheez-It. There are no words, people. It seems simple enough: flour, oil, cheese, paprika, salt … but oh my…! There’s got to be something going in these things that they’re not printing on the box. I recently had another one of those monster three-pound boxes show up in the house and I’m positive their presence had something to do with the recent flatlining. The good news is they’re gone. The bad news is, they can show up again at any time. I am doomed.

So there’s our second stop of the tour. Don’t worry, the next time we’ll be back to real cheeses. I just thought I’d have some fun … you know me.

Oh, and in case you missed it, be sure to go back and visit the first stop.

Posted in You Know What Sounds Good Right Now? | 14 Comments »

Flatlined

March 30th, 2009

In the movie Flatliners, a group of medical students headed up by Jack Bauer, decide classes are too boring to sit through alive. To achieve a new level of Zen, they decide it would be fun to kill themselves, one at a time, just to see what death is like. (I could have told them that. Just go see the movie Flatliners.) The basic procedure went something like this: The volunteer kills himself with some sort of injection, if I recall correctly. After being dead about a minute, the others defibrillate the hell out of him (or her), at which point the subject talks about what it was like to know someone who knows someone who knows Kevin Bacon.

What a great analogy for the last three weeks of my diet. Here’s an illustration:

That’s me standing over my diet. I’m in need of a dietary defibrillator at the moment. In this analogy, Julia Roberts represents Julia Roberts. (It’s a Zen thing.)

The movie itself is named after the term “flatlining” which refers to that beepy machine that measures your heartbeat with a bouncy green dot. (I believe the technical term is, indeed, beepy machine.) When the green dot moves in a straight line, and the beep turns to a boooooooooooop, you’ve flatlined. At that point, if you can’t be refibrillated, you’re about to join either Sam Wheat or Willy Lopez. (Am I allowed to mix movie metaphors?)

Here’s the closest thing to a dietary flatline:

I’ve overlaid last week’s weights with the previous two weeks’ weights. No severe upticks is good. But I’m stuck, which is bad.

Day 245
Starting Weight 224.0
Current Weight 199.0
Change from Last Week +0.0 (again!)
Lost So Far 25.0
Pounds To Go 10.0

There’s no mystery surrounding this. My average caloric intake has crept back up. I’m not overeating, which is good. But most days are coming in right at that “BMR” value, something obviously supported by this evidence. To get myself going again, I have three choices: cut back on the calories, exercise more, or start ordering cases of Acai berries. What would Jack Bauer do?

Posted in Return to Onederland | 12 Comments »

Austin Burger Tour #2

March 27th, 2009

If you missed Part 1 in this new series, click on the “Previous in Category” link below. There I began my tour of Austin burgers at Magnolia Cafe. A few days later, I traveled north to The Oasis. There I waited to be seated. I ordered a burger. I returned with the eye candy below.

(Warning: 4,660,225 pixels of glorious imagery below. As most of you know, I don’t normally post this many pictures. But it’s hard not to when you have this kind of scenery. Forgive the bandwidth hogging just this once.)

The Oasis is a very popular restaurant north-west of Austin, right smack dab on Lake Travis. In fact, calling it a “restaurant” is a bit of a disservice. It’s nearly a small, self-contained resort. Situated about three hundred feet above the lake and with seating for over fifteen hundred people at a time, the self-proclaimed Sunset Capital of Texas attracts swarms of people from all over the inner solar system.

It also attracts lightning. After over two decades of operation, in the wee hours of June 1, 2005, the french-fry-encrusted outdoor decks were hit and the entire place went up in flames. But you can’t keep a good landmark down. They rebuilt (with much more steel and stone and much less wood) and ten days ago the Hills family finally made their first trip back.

The main building is like a castle, complete with a courtyard filled with flowers, sculptures, and 372 people waiting to be seated.

Once you complete your trek skyward, you’re treated to some really nice views:

There are indoor dining rooms—how many, I have no idea—but if you want to sit in a dining room, then stay home. At The Oasis, go outside and sit on the decks:

One of my favorite sculptures:

After waiting half the day for your table, the sun finally sets. It’s the main event, and as soon as it disappears from view, they ring a bell and everyone applauds. Primarily because that’s the signal that dinner is only three more hours away.

Bzzzzzzt. Three hours later, our little flashy thing flashed, signaling dinner time.

The view at night is just as nice as during the day:

I also signed my name on the wall:

Don’t worry. Everybody does it:

And there you have it! I hope you enjoyed your trip to one of Austin’s biggest tourist destinations. Next week we’ll … Hello? … Yes … What? …I didn’t what? … Sorry, folks. I just got a phone call. Be with you in a minute. Slow down a sec. I didn’t tell them what? … About the burger? … What burger? … Ohhhhhh! That’s right. Thanks. *click*

I nearly forgot! This was supposed to be a burger review. Well, unlike the poor soul we read about last week who had a less-than-pleasant experience with an undercooked meal, my burger was pretty good. (I didn’t let that bit of bad news deter me, mostly because I’d already made the trip and taken these photos by the time I’d read that. Still, based on these photos, isn’t this the kind of view worth getting sick over?)

Anyway, here’s the burger plate:

Austin Burger Tour #2
Location: The Oasis
Burger: Slightly above average
Fries: Not burnt
View: Incredible
Rating:

It was slightly above average. Definitely better than last week but I can’t say it was the greatest burger I’ve ever eaten. Frankly, though, most people aren’t here for the culinary fare, and it’s quite possible every dish gets an extra half-star awarded to it simply for the sunset. If you’re ever within driving distance, I definitely recommend it. I also recommend bringing a good book; or at the very least, a few sudoku puzzles.

Next stop? Mighty Fine!

Posted in Pizza Night | 16 Comments »

The Best Diet

March 26th, 2009

In her book Half-Assed: A Weight-Loss Memoir, Jennette Fulda makes a point to not tell us what diet she followed as she lost two hundred pounds. The reason? Simple. At the time, soylent green was still illegal.

Actually, the real reason is she didn’t want people to fixate on the diet, which is brilliant. Thank you, Jennette.

All too often, we seem to willfully ignore our higher order brain functions and still believe some magic pill exists that will do all the work for us. Had her book been titled, “How Dr. Billy Fatson’s Miracle Potato and Passion Fruit Diet Made Me Skinny,” how many people do you think would have actually read the book? Very few, I bet. In fact, most of us would have simply used the book to knock out all the other equally desperate people in our way in the produce department.

So if the Potato and Passion Fruit diet isn’t the best one, which one is? Well, according to an article I came across last month the answer is: it don’t matter. To quote:

“We have a really simple and practical message for people - it’s not so much the type of diet you eat,” says Sacks. “It’s how much you put in your mouth.”

And if that doesn’t splain it all, there’s one more:

As for the secret to losing weight? There is none. “It’s basic physiology,” Loria says. “Eat fewer calories than you expend.”

Imagine that! I had no idea! The gist of the story is that over 800 participants were put on several different diets and their progress was tracked. They all lost about the same amount of weight, at the same rate, and kept about the same amount off for the same amount of time. They all got hungry the same and they all fell off the wagon the same.

You can take this information and apply it to your life in one of two ways: 1) throw your hands in the air, sigh loudly, roll your eyes, and give up; or 2) just go straight to “give up.”

Or, do what I do: realize that what’s happening to you isn’t some sort of unique occurrence. It isn’t your lack of willpower or your emotions. Oh, it’s fun to blame things like that. But whatever trouble you’re experiencing seems to be a common, human, physiological response.

You can take this information and apply it to your life in one of two ways: 1) surrender to fate and say, “Oh, there’s nothing I can do about it!” or 2) say, yes! there is something I can do about it. If you’re about to fall off the wagon, recognize what’s happening.

At that point one of two things will happen: 1) you’ll fall off the wagon anyway; or 2) you’ll turn this self-awareness to your advantage and resist. Don’t look at either one of these as success or failure because the very next time it might be just the opposite.

The key is to stay aware. Watch yourself and learn from yourself. You may just come out ahead. And if that doesn’t work, sign up for my free trial of Rachael Ray’s Miracle Acai Berry Diet, only $179.95 while supplies last.

Posted in No Help Here | 9 Comments »

The McRib Challenge

March 25th, 2009

Eating ten McRib sandwiches in an hour is not as easy as it sounds. A few of you have already watched this video. For the rest of you, please enjoy.

Just keep in mind three things:

  1. This is real.
  2. I was there.
  3. No actual coworkers were harmed in the making of this film.

Enjoy my mad video editing skillz too. This is all mine … not something I just found:

Posted in Leftovers | 7 Comments »

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